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The No-Questions-Asked way to set up a Codeship-ready DigitalOcean droplet with Ubuntu 16.04, Node, and Nginx with a Let's Encrypt certificate for HTTPS:

login to digitalocean, click create, select new droplet(be sure to add your ssh key), select ubuntu obviously, give it a name
wait for the droplet to finish creating and ssh into that bad boy (ssh root@ip.address)
- i like to create an alias for this so i don't have to type/remember that stuff
- in ~/.bashrc (or ~/.zshrc if you use ohmyzshell like i do) add alias whateveralias="ssh root@ip.address" and then source that file
- now you can access the server by running whateveralias

run sudo apt-get update
run sudo apt-get install build-essential libssl-dev
run curl -sL https://raw.githubusercontent.com/creationix/nvm/v0.33.11/install.sh -o install_nvm.sh (swap v0.33.11 with the most recent version)
run bash install_nvm.sh
- this installs node and npm as well as nvm
- it avoids using the linux nodejs namespace which makes swapping between OSX and Ubuntu less annoying
run source ~/.profile (because some stuff got added there)
run nvm ls-remote to see which versions of node you can download if you don't already know which one you want
run nvm install {VERSION} to install, use, and set it as default
test to make sure this works by running npm install -g pm2 because you're gonna install pm2 eventually anyway

run which node, and use that filepath to run sudo ln -s {WHICH NODE FILEPATH} /usr/local/bin/node
run which npm, and use that filepath to run sudo ln -s {WHICH NPM FILEPATH} /usr/local/bin/npm
run which pm2, and use that filepath to run sudo ln -s {WHICH PM2 FILEPATH} /usr/local/bin/pm2

run sudo apt-get update (again)
run sudo apt-get install nginx
run vim /etc/nginx/sites-available/default
find the existing server_name line and replace the underscore with your domain name
run sudo nginx -t (test that nginx is configured correctly and you didn't fuck anything up attempting to change one dang line)
run sudo systemctl reload nginx

run sudo add-apt-repository ppa:certbot/certbot
run sudo apt-get update (cannot get enough of this shit)
run sudo apt-get install python-certbot-nginx
run sudo certbot --nginx -d {YOUR DOMAIN} (add additional -d tags for each sub/domain name the cert should be valid for)