I’d never liked the feeling of power. The feeling of being in control, the feeling of being pressured, the fear of if I used the power wrong there would be consequences. 

Not anymore.

At first, when I’d realized what the code meant, I’d broken down. However no tears streamed down my face, like you’d expect when you figured out you had the power between life and death of your soulmate. No, none of those. No sobs racked my body, not a single tear was shed. 

Instead my mind had a breakdown. 

I’d always thought of my mind as quite an organized place. Memories tucked away but not far enough that I couldn’t find them if I needed them. Rows and rows of factual knowledge stacked neatly in my mind.

However my mental breakdown completely tore that neatness apart, sending memories, thoughts, logic scattered about, making it extremely hard to think. 

I had laid on the stone cold floor of my sister’s tower for almost an entire day, my brain twisting and getting torn apart, all whilst I clutched the cherry coke chapstick in my trembling fingers. 

After awhile everything seemed to settle down. I’m not sure if it was because of exhaustion or it was just over and done with, but my brain settled. It had become organized once more, but at the same time it was so far from the way it had been before. 

Instead of memories and thoughts stacked on top of each other loosely as they had before, they were locked down, huge metal chains strapping them down on top of each other permanently. And with the chains came a sense of twisted darkness, recklessness, and unforgivingness. I would never access the happy memories again, and I was one hundred percent fine with that. I was glad, even. 

What did I care that my soulmate, the only person in my life who had not hurt me would die if I ever stopped holding this cherry coke chapstick?

There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. And even if I could, I wouldn’t, I reminded myself.

She wasn’t my stupid soulmate anymore. She was simply a human. And she’d die anyway, just like we all do, so why form attachments to her? Why form attachments to anyone? 

I held the cherry coke chapstick in my hand, rolling it about carelessly. 

Past me would’ve squeezed onto it and never let go. But this me? I don’t care. Caring only hurts you. 

I still didn’t understand why she’d die if I dropped this cherry coke chapstick. But all I knew is that it was true, and I didn’t feel like questioning it. I was done wanting answers. 

And now here I stood, enjoying the feeling of power in my hands, the feeling knowing I was in control, I could control when she died. 

Why not go talk to her? Why not super glue the chapstick to your hand and have her live as long as you do? Why not spend the rest of your life with the love of your life? A little voice in my head asked. The voice was warm, it was soothing. The voice was the part of me that hadn’t given up yet.

But I knew better than to give in. I’d done it before and the only thing it’d given me was pain, hurt, and betrayal. I was done giving in. 

With that thought, the little voice was silenced. It slowly faded away, forever.

Good, I thought, walking over to the window. 

I stared out from the tower window across the lush forest below. What a shame that there was such a beautiful world out there and no one really appreciated it. My girl- ex-girlfriend, I corrected myself, ignoring the fact that she didn’t know we’d broken up - was the only one who really loved nature. She’d take me to the forest, just below us, and she’d always show me her favorite pond- STOP. I interrupted myself. This was only making me hurt. I blinked away tears and stared at the chapstick, making the decision that I couldn’t wait any longer. If it was going to happen eventually it was going to happen now.

I shakily held out my arm over the window ledge, the chapstick rolling around. 

I thought one last time of her face, wondering what she was doing, and tilted my hand ever so slightly, letting it roll off of my fingers. 

I didn’t feel regret as I watched the chapstick fall. I just felt empty. 

It seemed to fall in slow-motion, however soon I lost sight of it, and I would never know that the cherry coke chapstick had landed with a splash, right in the centre of her favorite pond. 

Wow that was dark :D